george's marvelous medicine for an enormous crocodile

good news on the cookbook* front today. it's that fabled double post that i've been promising you since forever! which two books will i be mashing up? why, george's marvelous medicine* and the enormous crocodile*. there's no rhyme or reason to it so don't try to foist some sort of lit crit shit on my decision.

anyway, let's get to the alchemy of the marvelous medicine. in theory, the way to grow extra tall grans and giant chickens is to start with a basic soup. this requires leeks,

mushrooms

and some boiling.

that is not the magical part, however. uh uh, no siree, no ma'am. that requires household chemicals.

do i really need to provide you with a disclaimer? are you so stupid that you think i put the following items into food? god, this is the states, so here goes.


DISCLAIMER:  I DID NOT PLACE THESE HOUSEHOLD CHEMICALS INTO THE SOUP. IT CAN KILL OR, AT THE VERY LEAST, FUCK YOU UP IN A BAD WAY. IDIOT.

i am, however, going to play like i did (even though i didn't (and you shouldn't either.)(moron.))

when leff ate his soup

he didn't grow about 20 feet.  it was quite disheartening as i could have made some serious, much needed dosh charging people to see him.  i think next time i'll add some housepaint for good measure. (ugh, I WON'T REALLY BE ADDING HOUSEPAINT, YOU TWAT!)

thankfully, the next bit of dahl food is not magically delicious so i can dispense with disclaimers. my version is a bit odd, however, as one can never acquire the exact item that one needs in the seattle area. case in point, to make an enormous crocodile, one must start with a baguette. this is the available seatacky version.

sigh... i'd like to think i've grown used to the constant deficiencies in this region but, who are we kidding?

surprisingly, i did manage to procure six eggs which i then boiled and olived

and turned into egg salad croc innards.

i then breaded, spinached, artichoked, pickled, almonded and turkey baconed the shit out of the "baguette" to make this.

a really wonky ass enormous tiny crocodile. turkey bacon tongue!

coming up on roald dahl stunt blogging:  there may be a surprise post or two sooner than you think!

*links will take you to amazon. i am an amazon affiliate. should you purchase george's marvelous medicine , the enormous crocodile or roald dahl's revolting recipes through these links, i will receive monetary compensation.